Connor Fenton Wears Jeans At Home Until Bedtime
Gumf Magazine has learned this week that Connor Fenton seemingly wears jeans at home until its time for him to go to bed. The discovery was made after a video of Fenton preparing a Shin Cup Ramen was leaked by an unnamed source.
For days, Fenton has refused to comment on the accusations until today when he provided the following statement;
“With mounting pressure and scrutiny of the last few days, I feel it is time to be entirely honest with the readers of Gumf and my many thousands of fans the world over. When I get home after a long day working at Gumf HQ in Canary Wharf, I feel mentally drained from putting every fibre of my being into groundbreaking journalism and haughtily skewed ‘comedy’.
That said, I still see it necessary to maintain a certain level of decorum and dignity. I don’t feel comfortable lazing around my £450m mansion in joggers - I’m better than that. Instead, I’ll keep a pair of Levis on or maybe I’ll put on these fairly comfy Austrian military combat trousers, they’re alright.”
Our anonymous source provides footage from inside Fenton’s home, where he can be seen flagrantly displaying his jeans despite it being well past 18:00 on a weeknight.
An understandable amount of disgust has been garnered from Fenton’s confession, with many Gumf’s four readers threatening to boycott the publication. Gumf’s co-founder and friend of Fenton for more than two decades, Ben Cotton came swiftly to his defence.
“This is a man who is prone to disgusting behaviour. You should see how quickly he eats and how much he complains about stomach aches after he eats incredibly quickly. It’s shameful.” Cotton said at a Gumf Magazine press conference earlier today “I forgot what my point was to be honest, but he’s really, really a hideous person.”
Gumf CEO and possessed marionette Raniel O’Day followed up on Cotton’s statement to reporters “The point is, get over it basically. We’re not firing him because he’s grandfathered into the business. If he goes, we lose his image on the LOAD Energy Drink sponsorship and we have to retract all of his wildly successful characters.”
When asked to name one of Fenton’s successful Gumf characters, O’Day named three former Conservative prime ministers. When Cotton tried to explain to O’Day that they were, in fact, real people, O’Day refused to believe and repeated the phrase “Do I look like I was fucking born yesterday?” until the press conference was brought to an end.
With Fenton’s future at Gumf Magazine hanging in the balance, it can only be hoped that his unwavering journalistic integrity will outshine his transgressions and allow his audience to separate the art from the monster that made it.
