The Trump Administration Accidentally Texted Me Its War Plans, So I Got Stuck In And Coordinated Some Drone Strikes

The world found out shortly before 2 p.m. eastern time on March 15 that the United States was bombing Houthi targets across Yemen.

I, however, found out two hours before this because I had been added—apparently accidentally and unbeknownst to the other participants—to a chat on the encrypted messaging app Signal, which seemed to be the planning of an attack targeting the Iran-backed military organisation.

How I had come to be included in the highly sensitive discussion is unclear, and may never be answered, but I thought, bollocks to it, I’ll get stuck in and coordinate some drone strikes with these dudes. I was listed under the initials DoD (my deadname is Daniel O’Day, but I had forgotten to update it on the app), which I guess the Trump-hired bozos in charge of national security had mistaken it for the Department for Defense.

The head of that department, daytime TV guy Pete Hegseth, spoke first:

Pete Hegseth: Operational Security is clean. This chat is completely secure. All sensitive information around military exercises is fine.

Raniel O’Day: OPSEC is secure, guys! OPSEC is clean, squeaky clean, roger that Papa Hotel.

JD Vance: 🇺🇸

PH: 🇺🇸

National Intelligence Director Tulsi Gabbard: 🇺🇸

CIA Director John Ratcliffe: 🇺🇸

DoD: 💅💅💅

Conversation soon revealed disagreement amongst the interlocutors:

JDV: Team, I think we are making a mistake. There is a real risk that the public don’t understand this or why it’s necessary.

PH: I understand your concerns, VP. Nobody in America knows who the Houthis are.

DoD: Agreed, guys. Can we target someone who the plebs have a more robust bloodlust for…thinking e.g. Louis Walsh, Chiles?

PH: This is good DoD, they are PATHETIC.

JDV: Agreed, I’m sick of these Europeans. Let’s go to war with the Europeans. The American voters have heard of Europeans, e.g. Jedward, Mondy Py-thon, etc.

DoD: Roger that, Juliet Delta Vance. I’m authorising, hmm, let’s say one thousand planes and sixty dogs to attack Walsh and Chiles. Can we get some data on the information space? I’d like to see digital recce on the problems bounds and challenge arena? I’d like the problem zones to be ironed out, ASAP Fill my decision space with knowledge capsules.

PH: ?

DoD: Iunno, just getting into the military vibes. 🇺🇸

JDV: 🇺🇸

PH: 🇺🇸

TG: 🇺🇸

JR: 🇺🇸

DoD: 💅💅💅

We then turned to other areas of interest for American foreign policy:

DoD: So…what else shall we strike? What do you guys want from this?

JDV: Minerals.

PH: Minerals.

TG: Minerals.

JR: Minerals.

DoD: Minerals?

Donald Trump: 𝕴 𝖆𝖒 𝖓𝖆𝖚𝖌𝖍𝖙𝖞 𝖌𝖎𝖗𝖑 𝖜𝖍𝖔 𝖑𝖎𝖐𝖊𝖘 𝖙𝖔 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖍𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖍𝖔𝖙 𝖋𝖚𝖓!💋👇𝕮𝖑𝖎𝖈𝖐 𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖌𝖊𝖙 𝖕𝖗𝖎𝖛𝖆𝖙𝖊 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖙👇💋 https://maria-967U92HHT91.melodycozzy.biz/wt/redfsYG2r2bEITdH93

PH: Has POTUS been hacked?

DoD: Pornbots got him. Godspeed bro.

JDV: Not possible. This app is unhackable.

DoD: Good point. Encrypted. By the way, what is your mother’s maiden name and what street did you grow up on and what was your favourite teacher’s name?

PH: Penelope Hegseth née Scobfield, 47 Kwade Boulevard, and I hated all of my teachers.

DoD: PIN code?

PH: The greatest PIN code of all time, bro.

DoD: 6969, nice. So where are the best minerals at?

JDV: Ukraine.

PH: But don’t worry, we’re in cahoots with Pootin, we’re splitting those nutrients 50/50.

DoD: Nice. Going dutch on the ‘minny-Rs’. What’s the schedule for the operation? If you’re allowed to share it with me, essentially a member of the public?

PH: Sure. Timings are as follows:

1015et: CENTCOM confirm we are GO, F-18s launch.

1100: “Trigger Based” F-18 1st Strike Window Starts. Chiles is at The Hawthorns to watch West Brom vs Hull.

DoD: So there’s like 45 mins between those two? Mind if I schedule a couple blasts? I wanted to get my old geography teacher. He was a total wanker. Once asked me to describe an oxbow lake, and when I told him to fuck off in front of the class he gave me a C2.

TG: C2?

DoD: 10 minute detention. Guy was sad af, I hate him. Blow up his ass please.

PH: Ok, so 10:30: strike on target Mr…?

DoD: Mr Growden. He’ll be doing extra GCSE revision sessions at the school, sad freak.

PH: 1030: We neutralize target Growden. Will probably only take one missile - you want anything else whilst we’re blasting?

DoD: Hmm, I did sort of forget to put the bins out on Tuesday night, so now I’ve got like 2 week’s worth of trash. If I stick them in the middle of a field or something could you maybe blow up my garbage?

JDV: Light ‘em up. 💪

DoD: You guys got drones?

PH: Sure dude, what do you wanna drone?

DoD: Could you fly it outside the window of the Butcher’s Finger on Snogfield Road? The landlord will be writing the questions for the pub quiz, so if we can spy those answers then I can absolutely roast ‘Izzy-Wizzy Let’s Get Quizzy’ on Friday night. Cheating bastards, one of them went to uni so he just gets all the spod questions like “What is an Oxbox lake?” Failing that, drone strike them.

JDV: Team, I am attending an economic event in Michigan today, but please keep updates coming.

DoD: Yep, regular sit-reps please, I need to go to the Gumf editorial meeting to see what those two talentless goons Ben and Connor are trying to get their Instagram followers to read.

PH: Wait, what???

JDV: Editorial? Are you a journalist?

DoD: Well, barely. I think journalism is for girls, I’m a business owner.

JDV: Are you going to leak this information?

DoD: Leak it? No. I’m just putting it on GumfMag.com.

PH: WHAT

DoD: Don’t worry, we get less than 2 organic likes per post. Nobody’s reading this. Genuinely if anyone clicks this and reads this far then fair enough. Over and out, team. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (I would accidentally add a member of the public to a top-secret defence planning chat).

DT: 𝕴 𝖆𝖒 𝖓𝖆𝖚𝖌𝖍𝖙𝖞 𝖌𝖎𝖗𝖑 𝖜𝖍𝖔 𝖑𝖎𝖐𝖊𝖘 𝖙𝖔 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖍𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖍𝖔𝖙 𝖋𝖚𝖓!💋👇𝕮𝖑𝖎𝖈𝖐 𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖌𝖊𝖙 𝖕𝖗𝖎𝖛𝖆𝖙𝖊 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖙👇💋 https://maria-967U92HHT91.melodycozzy.biz/wt/redfsYG2r2bEITdH93