Beggars Can't Be Choosers: Lee Cooper Is Our New Sponsor
Our marketing team is a forty person band of professionals, each of which boast at least a bachelor's degree in media, marketing or a relevant subject. We spend almost 45% of our annual budget on compensating this team for their tireless work in promoting Gumf Magazine through print, broadcast or digital platforms. Still, there are moments when they falter, as we all do. Today, our marketing team is beleaguered to announce the new official sponsor of Gumf Magazine is Lee Cooper Clothing.
Yes, you read that correctly, the clothing brand that you may remember as the knock off Converse trainers in Sports Direct is now the official sponsor of Gumf Magazine and all associated products. Our marketing director, Iona Towel, has stated that initial talks for a partnership with Nike Trainers were shelved after their head of European Content read our article ‘10 of the Best Ways to Put Shoes Up Your Bum.’ While this is disappointing, we are unwilling to compromise our journalistic integrity for the sake of sponsorship deals.
Our second choice, Odeon Cinemas were originally very positive about a business relationship with our publication and website, however after Iona recommended a reading of Gumf’s next issue replace the trailers before every film, Odeon stated “That’s not how us sponsoring Gumf should work.” Leaving us with our third favourite option, Typhoo.
“We’ll promote the shit out of you, we really don’t care.” - Connor Fenton, Co-Editor of Gumf Magazine
We’re not snobs about this sort of thing but we’re willing to admit we weren’t too hyped to have the lowest tier of tea bag sponsor the hard work we spend literal hours working on every year. Regardless, the cruel wheels of capitalism and free digital media are greased by faceless brand endorsement and I made this transparently clear to Typhoo’s executives when meeting them at their headquarters in Moreton, Cheshire. “We’ll promote the shit out of you, we really don’t care. We don’t even care that you’re worse than any other kind of tea I can think of right now… maybe better than-- no you’re definitely worse than Tetley… Lipton? Maybe you’re better than Lipton? I haven’t tried it but you might be better than Lipton.” Our accounts team were ejected from the premises shortly after this rousing Don Draper style speech.
Just when things couldn’t get any worse, we received an innocuous email from someone called marketingbot at Lee Cooper Clothing, making an outright offer for a pitiful annual fee of 0.5% of funds raised to Gumf as well as 25% off Lee Cooper to all our employees. When it rains, it really does pour, doesn’t it? Of course, we accepted. We’ve been haemorrhaging funds and sinking into a profound debt since July 2020 and if having the ugly red Lee Cooper diamond looming over all of our future content is the answer to this problem, then so be it.
I can only apologise, dearest reader, but I am now contractually obliged to remind you that Lee Cooper have been making “high quality” British clothing including an extensive range of denim jeans since 1908. I take great pleasure in saying our marketing department has since taken a hefty pay cut and as punishment, Iona Towel has been forced to wear Lee Cooper trainers to the office until our partnership with them comes to an end. Her fiancé has terminated their engagement as a result.
You can find the full range of “fantastic” Lee Cooper products on their honestly tragic website leecooper.com. Use promo code GUMF10 for 10% off all of your rubbish t-shirts and ill-fitting jackets.
