Connor Fenton Becomes First Person Aborted at 1416 Weeks
Gumf Magazine readers the world around have been awestruck as it was announced this week that Co-Editor in Chief, Connor Fenton, would be the first child to be aborted at the age of 1416 weeks. The decision to terminate Fenton’s existence was first made public in the notes of the magazine’s ‘Shit! We Need Ideas For Another Issue’ meeting of this quarter, but was not released in an official press release until more recently.
We asked Gumf Magazine CEO Raniel (formerly known as Daniel) O’Day his thoughts on the situation.
“I’d love to say something like this has never happened to any of my staff in the past.” After some further clarification, we let O’Day know that saying that would be perfectly fine if it’s true. He simply replied
Connor Fenton poses with his tombstone, selected weeks before he was aborted.
“Something like this has never happened to any of my staff in the past.” Shortly after this, Mr O’Day proceeded to list “fifteen things I hate about this company, and I’ll tell you now, twelve of them are that cunt Ben.”
How did this happen?
It isn’t just magically animated sentient puppets who’re surprised. Pioneers of medical science have been flummoxed by the procedure. Fenton is believed to be the first individual to be aborted after a full term pregnancy.
“We don’t even have terminology for this.” Dr Almond Lartay MD of Oxfordbridgetonshire University told us. “I’m frankly surprised this hasn’t been categorised as murder, or at least euthanasia.” When we asked what children in China have to do with the matter, we were kindly asked to leave his office.
Fans of Fenton’s work (all seven of them) took to social media, clamouring for answers to the great mystery of his abortion at 27.
“The scariest thing about it is that this could literally happen to any of us.” Said one Facebook user in the comments section of a 30 second video of an AI voice describing Connor’s termination played over someone cutting slime.
“Literally any of us could cut this slime.” They went on to say in a second comment.
Who is to blame?
While initial speculation suggested that Fenton was terminated by the magazine for his failing performance (See ‘My Plan For Fighting Zombie King, by Keir Rondey Starmer’ (it got 25 clicks, which is low, even for Gumf)), further investigation by this publication has found this may not be true.
“That’s probably not true.” Raniel O’Day told us. “I’d like to say it’s not true.” When we told Mr O’Day he’s welcome to say it is not true, if it isn’t true, he appeared too confused to grasp the situation and instead repeated his list of things he hated about Gumf Magazine.
As with any abortion, it is a woman’s right to choose, so it was clear some woman, somewhere had chosen to end Fenton’s short (but long when you consider he was aborted) life. Our investigations led us to 50-something-year old Regina Fentina, Connor’s estranged European mother.
Who is Regina Fentina?
Born in Europe at some point in the 1960s, Regina Fentina started life as a bookkeeper’s daughter. She received a modest education before finding work as a court jester for the Crown Prosecution Service after she moved to the UK at the age of 19. For 25 years, she wore jangly shoes and hats while making humorous jibes at defendants and prosecutors alike.
It was in this role that she met Flungle Schming, Fenton’s father, who was on trial for stealing a loaf of bread to feed his family. Fentina fell instantly in love, raising two children with Schming. Quingle and Connor, the youngest, lived normal lives until their father was tragically killed in a ‘Rat Poison Eating Dare’ accident.
Regina Fentina (right) with her husband Flungle Schming (left), circa The Past.
Mrs. Fentina now manages a petrol station in Europe with her surviving child.
“I simply was not ready to have kids.” She told us, “I don’t think it’s fair that realising this after Connor had been alive for well over a quarter century should mean I can’t do anything about it.”
“It is no easy decision to make, but with all the suffering in the world, it didn’t seem right to bring another life onto a planet that seems so hell-bent on destroying itself.”
“It’s strange, you can spend your whole life worrying about these things, but nothing can ever prepare you.” Connor’s sibling Quingle told us from their mother’s living room. “Mum had been through so much and I just wish I could have been there to support her through the tough decision to terminate in the 84th trimester.”
The World (Seven People) Mourns
Candlelit vigils have been held at Burger King locations throughout the North of England, with the Piccadilly Station branch taking to Facebook to say;
“It is with heavy hearts and considerably lower revenue that we say goodbye to a scranner.”
Upon visiting this Burger King location in person, we spotted Mr Fenton working the fryer, wearing a hairnet over his beard and a nametag labelled Mikey.
Fenton posing as ‘Mikey’, Burger King’s four time Employee of the Month.
“Yeah I made it all up to be honest.” He told us. “I got tired of the constant attention and recognition for all the great writing I was doing. I mean, take ‘My Plan For Fighting Zombie King, by Keir Rondey Starmer’ for example. That piece alone got well over twenty clicks. I had people knocking on my door asking for autographs.”
Back to the Magazine
With Fenton now back on the board of directors at Gumf Magazine, the entire ordeal has been patently blown out of proportion, with some speculating it could damage the publication’s long standing reputation for reliable, high quality reporting.
Some are calling into question the validity of a news outlet which would allow its own writers report on their own deaths, while others didn’t read enough of the article to question it at all.
Words: C. Fenton
Images: J. Harding & C. Fenton
