Gallaghers Lost At Sea After Co-Op Arena Sinks During Maiden Voyage
“Hey you, down in the sea,
Struggling to float,
Where is your boat?”
That is what onlookers may have shouted to Gallaghers Noel and Liam after the Oasis reunion tour got off to a reasonably poor start when the Co-Op Live Arena sank during its maiden voyage.
Widely thought to be unsinkable (because it’s a land-based indoor venue in Manchester, not a ship), the ill-fated Co-Op Live Arena struck an OceanGate submersible in the Atlantic and sunk to the seabed, taking with it 23,504 souls: the 23.5k capacity crowd, and the band (Bonehead survived).
The big shitty arena, dubbed ‘RMS Biblical’ for the Oasis tour, has earned a somewhat farcical reputation, despite its being the largest European arena ever to set sail. Due to its supposedly unsinkable hull, the arena was equipped with a mere twenty lifeboats, sufficient for just 5% of its total capacity.
“Birds and R-Kids first, d’ya know what I mean?” shouted the New Labour rockers, whilst organising an evacuation of the arena’s aft boat deck. Survivors’ testimonies state that the band continued to play throughout the sinking, in order to maintain an atmosphere of stoic calm. Reports tell of a heartfelt rendition of Digsy’s Dinner providing the moving soundtrack to the vessel’s final moments.
Why the sub-nautical dumbasses at OceanGate were active at the scene of the arena’s foundering is still unclear. After the salty sea dogs infamously ballsed up their Titanic dive in the Summer of 2023, many assumed that they’d keep their head below water, excuse the pun. But it seems that the nosey navy was pre-empting an oceanic tragedy.
“We’ve been following Co-Op Live’s shaky start,” said OceanGate big boss Rodney Slogger. “It seemed to get so bad that it was threatening to overshadow the total ballsing-up that we did last year: OceanGategate.
“When a farce of this magnitude seems to be brewing, you just have to get in there and have a browse at the catastrophe. After all, that’s what OceanGate’s motto is: Have a right good gawp at all the mental shit that goes on under the sea, and if there’s nothing going on: make something happen, but in Latin.
“It was in the news a lot that the arena was experiencing difficulties during its testing, so we just knew something was gonna go down…we didn’t think it would be the arena though! Again, because it is a land-based arena in Manchester, so it shouldn’t really be considered a seaworthy craft.”
The ‘Peeping Tom’ submariners got so close to the Rock ‘n’ Roll Stars’ vessel that the two collided, renting a huge gash in the arena’s starboard side, which quickly took on huge amounts of water, ultimately bringing it on down half the world away from dry land. The exposed compartments began to flood so rapidly that the vessel started to roll (with it), before its bow sank, leaving its stern suspended in the air until the arena split in two and sank quickly to the bottom of the ocean.
Oasis fans up and down the country had feared that fate would once again intervene in matters pertaining to their favorite band, perhaps coming in the form of a cricket-bat-related backstage clobbering. The band have even had their fair share of nautical naughtiness, having been kicked off an overnight ferry in 1994 for inciting a drunken brawl, an event which was immortalized in the Wibbling Rivalry single released by Fierce Panda records and was made up from an NME interview with the warring popular beat combo about that fateful night.
Still, it’s a tragic reminder of the fleeting nature of life. Whilst they may have been talking to the songbird yesterday, there will only be seagulls to interlocute with today as, little by little, the remains of the doomed arena sink down beneath the waves, and the grasping passengers, underneath the sky, slide away. Some might say that the tragic incident serves as a reminder of the importance of being tidal. Wonderwall.
