Civic-Minded Terrorists Unveil UK’s First Ever Muslim No-Go Zone

Readers are advised article contains language and themes that some may find upsetting.

Well, fair play to Stephen Yaxley-Lennon (the actor who plays Tommy Robinson). He has been saying for years that a race war would erupt on the streets of Britain, one in which terrorists in face coverings would travel the country burning down buildings, attacking innocent Britons, and spreading a vile hate campaign that is at odds with everything we in Britain stand for. He said that Britain would be filled with no-go zones that the police will be afraid to visit, and where ordinary law-abiding British citizens could be attacked on a bloodthirsty whim by a violent, backwards sect that want to spread their strange medieval ideas about what laws our country should have.

The stupid cunt did, however, forget to mention that he’d be the one instigating the whole thing; and fair play. You know how the old saying goes: if it ain’t broke, break it, burn it, and then graffiti racial slurs on it, and then loot everything around it, and then basically continue to be a little cunt for the rest of your life.

After the civic-minded, shit-for-brains halfwits of Great Britain established the country’s first ever ‘No-Go Zones this weekend, we went along to ask them: what the fuck is this all about?

Lad Blokeson is a 26-year-old man from Portsmouth who was for some reason marching around in Rochdale, a town that he has never, ever been to, but really needed to piss on and burn down for some reason. He agreed to discuss that reason, on condition of anonymity but I forgot about that bit and I’ve already typed his name now:

“Something about Tommy Robinson really appeals to me,” he told us. “I don’t know whether it’s the fact that he’s earned a fucking fortune via donations from people like me and the totally unconnected fact that he’s always on holiday, the fact that he libelled a schoolboy victim of a vile attack, or his many convictions for violent crime. He also has lots of links to Russia, and the Kremlin knows a good egg when they see it.”

Lad’s father, Dad Blokeson, was also arsing about like a total wanker, so we asked what had prompted him to drive 220 miles to his local town centre on a Saturday morning:

“A bloke I know messaged me on Telegram to say that a gang of criminals were in the country and were burning our buildings and attacking innocent British people and our police. That sounded like bad news to me so we went up there and it turns out that we were the ones burning a huge building with people inside it, so we just joined in.

“They like to paint us like we’re all racists, but we’re not; it’s just that a lot of us are racists and the rest of us are pretty malleable so if someone makes a racist suggestion we’ll all just go along with it.

“I don’t hate asylum seekers, it’s just that I would burn a building which the asylum seekers are trapped inside, and if the asylum seekers tried to get out I would hit them with a chair until they died. And I would do this based on some vague information that I could probably Google for about four seconds and disprove, but I think with VAR and everything these days, there comes a point where you just have to stop being so finicky and just go with your gut.”

Nearby, a man emerged from a burning ambulance wearing a paramedic’s uniform. He wasn’t a paramedic, but 38-year-old Duncan Truncan, who enlightened us on the rigorously fact-checked ‘news’ stories that are shared in online far-right circles to whip up such keen political fervour:

“Basically the situation is that the paedos and Hollywood (also paedos) have been trying to create a new super-paedo EU army which is funded by the Wokeists and essentially there’s two paedophile warlords in competition to see who can capture a magic orb which they’re calling The Power Crystal. Problem was, they got caught mid-nonce by another rival paedo and now the paedos are in disarray. It’s total chaos, and as a result they’re planning to turn all town centre real estate into vape shops and now the paedophiles are confused and they don’t know what to do, and essentially that’s why I’ve just kicked a bin at Claire’s Accessories.

“You won’t see this stuff on the mainstream news. A guy I know was kicked in the head, and when he’s drunk he starts saying things like this. I didn’t like it at first, but now I believe him. He’s sort of an oracle.”

“Enough is enough now,” said Rombie Widefield, 49. “We’re just sick of it. You push us too far, this is what happens, end of. We’ve been driven to this, because we’re sick and tired of what’s happening. Simple as. I don’t know how we can be any clearer than that.” When we pressed him on what had gone too far, he just muttered something about Richard Osman’s Tuesday Murder Club books being perennially in the top-sellers list and I thought no, fair enough actually. We are sick of it.

The 34-year-old Jichael Whippsy told us about the strong influence that online sources had on the mob: “I’m very susceptible to being told what to do by people on the Internet. At the moment it’s ‘burn down your town centre to protect children’ but just last week an online quiz told me that I was a Slytherin, and that really upset me.

“I’m not a Slytherin. I just hate mudbloods.”

The main buzzword at the riots (aside from all the racist ones) is two-tier policing:

“When are they gonna admit that they use tootier policing? They’re trying to make the police more flatulent whenever it’s patriots. They’re literally trying to fart on us.”

A shadowy network of online bad actors and agitators rile up gangs of buffoons, and send them to certain deliberately-targeted locations. Frequently these are premises that used to be asylum service centres, or the registered offices of immigration lawyers, but like all commercial real estate in post-industrial areas these are now vape shops, so the baying mob had no choice but to chase big beardy lads in Batman snapbacks and wrestling t-shirts out of town.

“Get out of our country!” shouted one rioter at a man wearing a Call of Duty: Ghosts hoodie. “We don’t want your weird cherry vapours around our children!” which I think is quite smart really, because those plastic disposable vapes are all over the pavements these days. How can you call something that will be around for about 430 years after your own death ‘disposable?’ It was at this point that I got a bit carried away and leathered a constable. It’s easy to get sucked into the violence, but in my own defence I was the only person to do so based on any sort of political stance, as confirmed by fellow rioter Speedo Quadfield, who didn’t appear sure of his own motives: “I think I’m just hungry.”

“Basically there’s an Islamic cabal that are controlling this country,” said 58-year-old Ray Fighter. We asked what the cabal’s grand plan involved: “Essentially what they’re doing is making it so that some adverts now have mixed-race families in them, and they’re also having it so that the junior common rooms of many university student unions will post some sort of image saying ‘Happy Eid to our Muslim students :)’ once a year. I mean, when they make the students woke then you know it’s really gone too far. We want our junior common room university student union Instagram feeds back.”

“They’re literally coming here and committing crimes!” shouted a sprinting man, carrying a brick, a machete, several bags of cocaine, and a kind of endangered turtle that it’s been illegal to buy in the UK for 40 years.

One of the most alarming factors has been the age of some of those involved in the clashes. Due to the ongoing school holidays, children as young as primary school age are a disturbingly common presence at the riot. We spoke to 12-year-old Pokémon McFortnite, who had been brought by his father, who had himself disappeared after falling through the window of a JD Sports:

“My granddad didn’t die fighting in World War II so this country could be overrun by immigrants.

“He died on holiday in Tenerife last year, so I’ve got no clue why all these immigrants are here but I think the answer is arson.”

We later encountered the defenestrated McFortnite Sr. and asked him if he thought it was responsible to bring a pre-teenage child to a violent event: “It’s no worse than what these kids see online. If anything it’s good for him to have a bit of fresh air and be around kids his own age, as well as hundreds of dubious and insane adults who are several decades older than him.

“They start to get on your tits during the summer holidays, so if anything, his arrest would get him out my hair. Just need the missus to get arrested next and then I’ll be set!”

“We are not Far-Right!“ Quasi Quasbourne, 56,  sporting three England shirts, yelled to us while wedged beneath the half-closed shutters of a CeX with his arse hanging out.

“It isn’t about race, it’s that our culture’s under attack.” He went on, shirtless now and coated in gravel rash from the rough pavement. “It used to be The Two Ronnies, Dad’s Army, Steptoe and Son. Those wouldn’t get made these days.

“No, the comedy commissioners are always looking for comedy drama scripts these days. They say they don’t want to commission sketch shows anymore because people don’t watch them, and they’re basically far more expensive because you’ve got to have loads of different sets, and costumes, etc. They just don’t think they can justify the production costs, as budgets get constantly squeezed due to the encroaching streaming services which suddenly pick up a load of projects and then drop them as soon as subscriptions go down.

“They seem to think of TikTok and online grassroots comedy as a sort of replacement, and an excuse as to why they’re not developing talent themselves, but that’s always seemed very disingenuous to me because those platforms prioritise captive audiences, and they do so by ruthlessly pushing the content of new users onto your feed, at the expense of creators you’re following because it’s a way of algorithmically churning constant engagement. It’s no replacement for proper TV comedy but they just don’t seem to respect the artform anymore. It could easily be fixed. It could literally be as simple as getting in a new comedy commissioner at the BBC, and suddenly there’s a totally different editorial outlook…” [we just walked off mid-conversation because we weren’t really sure what this guy’s deal was].

The rioting has caught the attention not only of the domestic brainless nutbag community, but many overseas morons as well.

Elon Musk, the owner of Twitter, ostensibly known as X but actually still called Twitter because that is its name, made a reasoned and astute comment based on his immense understanding of the socioeconomics of British society:

“Civil war is inevitable,” tweeted the 53-year-old multi-divorcee on Twitter. “It was inevitable in the Marvel movies, and it is inevitable in Britain.

“The only way to solve this is to build a giant tech tunnel under the ground, which Uber drivers can use to drive around in. Then they should download a software.

“I’ve been following the story via my website, Twitter, and it all looks very clear to me. A deepfake version of Diane Abbot was in a video and she said they were going to deploy what they’re calling Muslim Megatron, which is a giant robot, and apparently it has already conquered over 50% of the UK, which is also a giant robot, and also the UFOs live there.

“Then a deepfake version of myself told me to buy a dubious cryptocurrency. I don’t remember saying that, but we believe in free speech here so I had to do exactly what I told me to do. If a deepfake of myself told me to jump off a cliff would I do it? Yes. I believe all things that are on the internet because the internet is technology and I’m a credulous dweeb.”

Prime Minister Keir Rodney was quick to hit back at Musk, tweeting: “We are not the same, he and I. Let’s look at what we’re the sons of. Me: toolmaker, him: a bitch. Kiss my grey ass and lick my prosecutor’s balls.”