Man ‘Shaken’ After Halfords Mistakes Him For a Car

"I'll never be the same." - Phillip Lumpson

Laura Brady reporting from Fowl-under-Wear, UK

Phillip Lumpson, 49, took his vehicle to Halfords garage in Fowl-under-Wear, only for it to be overlooked in favour of his own body.  Upon arrival, Mr Lumpson was lead to a car lift and surrounded by several mechanics who seemed, in his words, “confident”. 

“One asked another man to lift my bonnet. I was already a bit self conscious about wearing it so it was quite embarrassing, to be honest.”

The team of mechanics then proceeded to gradually remove all of Mr Lumpson’s organs and replace them with auto parts.  “I don't know much about cars so I just left them to it.” It was only when Mr Lumpson’s blood was siphoned out and replaced with diesel that he began to question the engineers’ work. 

“I knew something was wrong - I've always used good old fashioned unleaded.”

When asked why he didn't realise when they referred to his organs as things such as ‘the battery’, ‘the radiator’ and ‘the exhaust’, Mr Lumpson said he believed them to be ‘slang’. 

When we contacted Halfords, they stated that - ‘It is absolutely impossible for any of our mechanics to have confused a human being for a motor vehicle. Our employees are very familiar with cars and would immediately be able to tell one from a man, as any sane person would.’ After sending a photograph of Mr Lumpson, we received the reply - ‘That is a picture of a car.’

Halfords has since apologised to Mr Lumpson, offering him a lifetime supply of the diesel he now needs to sustain his mechanical body. Upon telling him this, he began to look understandably distressed & upset. 

“I've had all my organs sold and now I'm being paid in this… this… tainted blood!” Bizarrely, a wave of calm then flowed over Mr Lumpson, who proceeded to happily sing a rendition of Soft Cell’s ‘Tainted Love’, replacing all instances of the word ‘love’ with ‘blood’.

As peculiar as Mr Lumpson’s mood shift is, it does teach us a very valuable and important lesson - that all the world's woes can easily be solved by 1980s synthpop. Mr Lumpson has since been issued with a fixed penalty of £200 for failing to tax himself and is currently being treated at Wallingston Medical Institute for early onset corrosion to his flex line and metering valve.

Article written by Laura Brady for Gumf Magazine.

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