My Plan for Fighting Zombie King, by Keir Rondey Starmer
“What’s with these zombies dissing my world? Why do they have to bite? What do we ever do to these ghouls that made them so violent?” I find myself wondering, more and more, as the rise of zombieism spreads across the world. What was once a passing concern is now of grave importance, especially now that I’m Mr Prime Minister.
The fact is this: Zombie King is drawing his plans, slowly and surely, to take over this united kingdom and her British isles. As it stands, the UK is helpless, but I have a series of initiatives that will keep us safe, build for a better zombie-free future, and make us the main players in the international zombie reform community.
Remove the Zombie Ambassador from Whitehall
For too long, we have allowed the Zombie Ambassador, John McQueen, to have a seat in the House of Lords. This was introduced by the former Conservative government in 2011 in an attempt to appease the Zombie King.
Zombie Ambassador, John McQueen, was made a Lord in 2011 under the Conservative government.
What have we seen as a result? These landmark bills vetoed by McQueen;
2013 Anti Brain Eating Act
2016 Horde Formation Prohibition Act
2020 Ban on Wearing Tattered Rags While Shambling Through Streets
2023 Trade Embargo with Democratic Zombie Kingdom of Zombosia
The greatest threat to British humans is not abroad. It is in the House of Lords and it wears a heavily soiled suit, breathes a death rattle and has visibly decaying skin. It’s John McQueen, who I intend to send back to Zombosia in the first coffin we can find.
Make Massive Guns More Accessible
The only thing that can stop a bad zombie with a gun is a good zombie with a gun. Since there’s no such thing as a good zombie (they’re all cack), the people of Britain will have to do. Luckily, my uncle (toolmaker’s brother) said I can have a go on the air rifle he keeps in his attic whenever I want, so I know where we can get some massive guns.
It is my intention to give every man, woman and child (excluding zombie men, women and childs) access to a massive gun so none of us are caught with our proverbial pants down when Zombie King inevitably mobilises his land forces.
The benefits of massive guns is obvious because they shoot things. But that’s not all. I promise to deliver the following to every household in this beautiful nation;
Boxing gloves - For punching zombies in the mushy cranium
Zombie disguise - For sneaking into zombie compounds undetected and stealing their plans
Fidget spinners - I bought more than 300,000 of these in 2016 when they were looking to be big sellers and I haven’t been able to shift them since, so I’m happy to chuck these in with your massive gun
I can send loads of these spidget finners to you if you want. Just send me an email at gumfmag@gmail.com.
It is only with these tools, we can hope to consider ourselves prepared for Zombie King’s impending assault on our shores.
Increase International Zombie War Spending to 3% GDP
International zombieism has seen a dramatic increase, with more than 33% of nations now forced to capitulate to Zombie King’s demands. This is a scourge that can only be stopped with our support. We must be ready to give our allies currently in combat with zombies our full support.
I pledge to give the following to this cause;
450,000 Zombie Ray Guns for dematerialising zombies in their tracks
300 Z-150 Jet Planes for aerial anti-zombie assaults on Zombie Mountain
500 Zombie Chew Toys for distracting zombie guard dogs that continue to ransack villages
Zombie Mountain is not immune to massive heat seeking missiles, which is coincidentally exactly what we’re going to be firing at it.
While these offerings will come at great sacrifice, it is imperative that we, as a nation, play our part in fighting the zombie onslaught at home and abroad.
Together, we can show Zombie King that Great Britain is not another brain to be chomped. We can fight for this great nation, and we will do so gladly.
Yes, there may be moments where the zombies overrun us, perhaps in an alleyway, as we struggle to climb up a chainlink fence after our crossbows jam and the kindly stranger we have befriended tries desperately to keep the horde from us for just a few moment more while we clamber to safety, but we will never give in!
We shall fight zombies on the beaches, we shall fight zombies on the landing grounds, we shall even do sawed off shotguns in both hands and shoot zombies until we run out of shells then switch to akimbo bowie knives until the helicopter arrives. We shall never surrender.
