Taylor Swift Ends Eras Tour to Run Lithium Mine
In an Instagram video posted last week, Taylor Swift announced she would be ending her globetrotting ‘Eras Tour’ to “Step away from music and focus on my lithium mining projects.” This comes as a shock to millions of fans worldwide as a number of tour dates are set to be cancelled and tickets to be reimbursed.
With almost 150 shows on the docket, The Eras Tour has broken a number of records for revenue, attendance and inescapable cultural domination. With a dozen concerts from the North American leg of the tour to be scratched from the schedule, Swift apologised to her followers.
“The Eras Tour has been the most amazing experience. Seeing you all make those friendship bracelets and stuff or whatever it is you do. But it’s time for me to close that chapter and focus on my passion. That just happens to be owning and administrating one of the largest lithium mines in the world.”
Why does Taylor Swift own a lithium mine?
Folklithium Ore Industrial Inc. was founded by Swift in March of 2023 and has lobbied for a licence to mine the Manono lithium deposit in Democratic Republic of Congo since April of that year. The licence was reportedly awarded to Swift forty five minutes before her post to social media.
The deal is set to see Folklithium profit more than £2.3bn within the next four years as the electric vehicle market drives an insatiable global demand for lithium. However, with mounting concerns for human rights and ecological negligence in the Congolese mining industry, Swift’s reputation may come to a greater cost.
Photos of the Pennsylvania-born country singer visiting the state of the art mining facility in Tanganyika Province as it broke ground have already aroused concern. Many of the miners featured in the photographs appear to be millennials clad in pink cowboy boots, hats and sparkly dresses. More than fifty of the individuals identified are reported to be involved in missing persons cases from twelve different countries.
What do the Swifties think?
The internet has not been without speculation as details of the matter unfold. Many believe Swift may be systematically coercing or even kidnapping her fanbase in order to fulfil staffing demands at Folklithium’s growing facilities.
“I went to school with two of the girls operating the drills in the second picture.” Self proclaimed Swiftie, 28 year old Natalie Weaman told us. “They went to all three of her Dublin gigs and no-one’s heard from them since.”
“It’s heartbreaking to be without them and to picture them in the harsh conditions, kilometres underground, breathing in lithium particles that will devastate their lungs.” Weaman went on “But the most upsetting thing is that they probably got to meet Taylor and have loads of pictures with her.”
The promise of exclusive fan experiences has been a hiring tactic employed by Folklithium since the early days of the Eras Tour. Until as recently as yesterday, the company’s vacancies page previously stated:
‘Improve your reputation and shake off your disappointing career by switching to a job that will make you happy evermore. We’ve got a blank space for dedicated Swifties looking to shake off their current lives and pursue exciting new opportunities at Taylor’s side in Central Africa. Cardigan!’
The confusing message has since been removed from the website.
There is no small number of supporters who applaud Swift for her shrewd business acumen and unconventional hiring tactics.
“She’s a very clever businesswoman.” One Instagram user commented on a picture of Swift holding a bullwhip while riding a pit pony through a darkened mineshaft.
“She has a right to employ anyone she wants by any means she deems necessary. If people have a problem with that, I guess they’re just jealous that they didn’t come up with the idea of kidnapping vulnerable young people for imposed labour. She’s an innovator.”
What are the conditions in Taylor Swift’s lithium mine?
Whether Swift herself is culpable in the alleged human rights abuses is unclear. The UN Human Rights council has been banned from entering the vicinity of the mine as aid corridors are being cut off. Many fear the hundreds of Swift fanatics on site may be suffering from malnourishment and disease may be spreading rapidly among their ranks.
Despite constant rumours about worsening conditions, the UN has been unable to verify claims that employees are stripped of their possessions and not even allowed to update their fan pages while working on the Folklithium compound.
We spoke to one woman who claims to have escaped the mine and returned to her home in Chorley, Lancashire.
“It’s a hell hole. We work 20 hour shifts and many of us would collapse from exhaustion a daily basis.” She went on “But we could never sleep for long. They play ‘22’ on repeat at a deafening volume. I only went because they said every employee would get an exclusive Eras Tour Pop Socket.”
What will happen to Taylor Swift?
As pressure mounts for Swift to address the rising suspicions of foul play, she sought to mitigate the PR implosion by taking to Instagram Live. “I’m not unused to getting such hateful opposition.” She spoke to camera in what looked like an ore processing storeroom. “The haters have always wanted me to quit. Whether that’s Scooter Braun or the leading human rights lawyers, there’s always someone looking to knock a woman like me down a peg or two.”
Toward the end of her broadcast, Swift announced a re-release for her entire discography dubbed ‘Lithium’s Versions’ with mineral processing themed re-recordings and never before heard bonus tracks. Available only on vinyl, the complete collection will retail at $47,000 and will come with a jumper.
Pre-orders have already broken records, with each album expected to go quintuple platinum.
