Pope Francis Regenerates Into Danny Dyer Like Doctor Who
The Holy See, Vatican City
After a long, protracted battle with illnesses including pneumonia and being poorly, Pope Francis died today before suddenly regenerating into Danny Dyer.
This is the first Papal Regeneracy since the passing of Pope Benedict XVI in 2013, when Francis took on the form of the Pope. Since Saint Peter first took on the role of Pope in AD 30, regenerations have taken place at the moment of every Pope’s death since.
With regenerations normally leading to conventional Catholic cardinals taking the mantle of His Holiness, Pope fans the world over are aghast at the decision to cast British geezer, Danial [sic] ‘Danny’ Dyer.
“Fackin’ ‘ehll” Dyer could be heard saying as his rose from the ball of regenerative energy that emanated from Francis’ body “Oi’m the fackin’ Pope, inn’oi?”
Dwarfed by the incredibly large papal robes of his former self, Dyer stood before a packed congregation in St Peter’s Basilica where Francis had died moments earlier. Catholicism enthusiasts had travelled from across the globe to see His Eminence perform a sermon for peace, only to witness his death and rebirth.
“It was such a special experience, truly once in a lifetime” longtime Christianity fanboy Rontle Cimp of Stockport told us. “I’m just a bit annoyed that they went with a British guy - the Pope is Italian, I don’t care what the woke brigade wants to try to make him out to be.”
After we explained that Francis was, in fact, Argentinian, Cimp replied “Right, and is that like Siciliy or something then?”
Conversely, many welcomed the arrival of Dyer into the role of Papacy. Hanton Gunt has been reviewing the Pope’s appearances for TV Guide for over four decades. “Francis obviously did a lot in terms of boosting the LGBT community, speaking out against populism and defending the rights of immigrants - but Dyer seems like he could really bring a cheeky chappy vibe to this new season of The Pope”
White smoke billowed from the Sistine Chapel chimneys shortly after Dyer’s arrival. Hours later, he addressed his flock from the Loggia delle Benedizioni (Pope Balcony).
“Roight, oi’ll keep it shaw’ an’ swee’ - loike ‘at fackin’ Sabrina Carpenta’ - oy, speakin’ o’ carpenta’s, wa’n’t Jesus a fackin mintah?” He decried as the throngs of Catholicism buffs cheered and swooned below. “‘E was a grade A fackin’ geezah. Let’s awll be a bit moar loike ‘im, ay?”
At press time, Pope Dyer has been witnessed signing an Executive Papal Order to rename the The Holy See to ‘Fackin’ Marchin’ Powdah Out In Cinemas Now You Fackin’ Cant.’
