Stoke's Best Restaurants by Ian Minger

Gumf Food & Drink Correspondent, Ian Minger

A puppet of a cat on Dick and Dom once sang about a city that captured my imagination in an instant. This hive of culture, history and cuisine has been on my mind all of my adult life. Its name is Stoke on Trent.

I moved to Stoke at an early age after I was chased out of my hometown by pitchfork wielding serfs who claimed I was “so ugly, I turned the crops and soured the milk” of the nearby farms.

Thanks to Stoke, I’ve never looked back. Here, I was given the freedom to follow my dream of becoming a culture vulture and restaurant critic without being scorned for my tragically bad looks. I reached out to local publication Gumf Magazine in hopes of being their food and drink correspondent and this list is the result.

If you’re looking for the best places to eat in Stoke on Trent and Newcastle under Lyme, look no further because I’ve tried them all!

Little Dumpling King - 50 Piccadilly, Hanley

Stoke’s own slice of Northern Quarter trendiness underpromises with its low key setup and over delivers with flavours you won’t find elsewhere in the city. 

With a rolling cast of dishes with influence from a range of asian cuisines, LDK is a mixed bag of sticky rice, baos to die for and, of course, some royally delicious dumplings.

There’s a reason this place received high praise from The Guardian’s Jay Rayner last summer. When I visited, not a single one of the service staff mentioned my astounding ugliness.

Head chef Rob McIntyre, would have been well within his rights to remove me from the premises by claiming “The asymmetry of your eyes is driving away my paying customers” however, he did not do this at any point.

The Slamwich Club - 63 Piccadilly, Hanley

An instant classic of the Cultural Quarter, this restaurant-come-weekend-nightclub comes with a basic premise: Take a simple British staple and crank it up to eleven.

It’s here that a humble sandwich becomes a slamwich; an enormous stack of creative combinations of quality ingredients, topped with beautiful bread and given titillating titles.

Slamwich is proof positive that character in food and setting are equally important in a superb restaurant. There’s a reason the place is cool enough to bring in a rave-going crowd on weekends in their Backyard club and it’s this: The place is undeniably cool.

Sure, some of the more indulgent dishes, like the Porkie Pig, may be a little oily, but in a venue where nobody remarks about my hideous, protruding rotten teeth, a little oil can be easily overlooked.

Piccoloco - 2a Hassell Street, Newcastle

Ever drank coffee served out of a little horse box being towed by a car on Newcastle Market? If you answered yes, you already know Piccoloco. This Ironmarket mainstay has now become a part of the borough-town’s woodwork by establishing a permanent brick and mortar location.

Piccoloco is one of the rarer coffee shops in Stoke by not only being independent, but by having a deep respect for the fine art of selecting artisan coffees and brewing them to perfection.

While the food choices don’t span beyond your classic coffee shop pickings, the dishes are presented beautifully and pair perfectly with a cup of joe. The simplicity of avocado toast is a thing to be relished when it comes with fantastically brewed coffee.

Despite being a smaller location with just a few tables, I was permitted the pleasure of sitting and dining indoors as the owner kindly assured me “We don’t think you’re so repulsive that you would sully the drinking and dining experience for our patrons.”

Anasma Greek Eatery - Trentham Shopping Village, Trentham

“Φύγε από δω, άσχημη τρωγλοδύτη!” - That’s Greek for “Get out of here, you ugly troglodyte!” which is something I didn’t hear while enjoying a taste of the Mediteranean, despite my truly abhorrent appearance.

This establishment does much more than permit the incredibly ugly. They serve authentic Greek dishes that simply cannot be found elsewhere in the county (except for their partner location ‘Anasma Greek Bakery’ in Newcastle).

We’re talking much more than fantastic gyros. Beautifully crafted kebabs, grilled meats and traditional Greek favourites are all on the cards. Do not dismiss this place as a high-end kebab shop, because it excels as so much more than that.

Before I visited Anasma, I had no idea what the Greek perception of severe mingingness was. I only knew the reverence the ancient Greeks had for the concept of beauty. After a delicious meal and excellent service, I can say they are truly ambivalent to the astoundingly gross such as myself.

Wingz Cartel - 56 Piccadilly, Hanley

Easily the naughtiest addition to the list. We’re talking takeaway scran with serious quality and minimal prejudice toward the troublingly ugly.

Wingz Cartel is an ever-expanding empire, moving to this primo location in Hanley’s Cultural Quarter in recent months and earning its keep by hawking seriously top notch chicken.

If you’re expecting imitation Nandos dishes, don’t. If you’re expecting they don’t serve people with hunched faces, uneven skulls and recessant jaws, don’t. Not only did the Wingz crew serve me, they even avoided mentioning my despicable bad looks.

Their menu is rampacked with wicked spicy coatings on wings and tenders presented in value boxes, wraps and burgers. Perfect for spice-lovers and ugly abominations alike.

Did Your Favourite Make It On The List?

If not - shoot us a message @GumfMag or send us an email at gumfmag@gmail.com. If they welcome the severely disgusting, I’ll be sure to pay them a visit!