President Trump Signs Minerals Deal With Heel Cena

Toronto, ON—It’s what’s best for business. That’s what President Trump seems to have been thinking when he shocked the world this Saturday, by cutting a minerals deal with WWE’s newly-heel John Cena.

The development seems to confirm the widely-held belief that the Doctor of Basic Thuganomics has been interfering in US elections, and may even have the President’s ear when it comes to issues of foreign policy and European security.

“John and I, we have a lot in common,” said President Trump of his new ally. “I was cutting an intense promo on that jabroni Volodymyr Zelensky [ahead of WWE Elimination Chamber this past weekend], when I had the idea to form a new minerals-based heel stable with John Cena. I just needed to know that he’d do business.”

The very idea, had the President discussed it publicly, would have seemed unthinkable just over a week ago. John Cena, embarking on his final year in World Wrestling Entertainment, the promotion for which he has worked since 2001, has famously been a babyface (a goodie, in wrestling parlance) for almost his entire career. A common sight greeting sick children at Make-a-Wish events, and a firm favourite with younger fans and ‘little Jimmies’ the world over, it seemed that the sixteen-time world champion would hang up his boots and end his career having stuck fast to his three core principles of hustle, loyalty, and respect.

These are the three pillars that Cena appeared to abandon following his victory in the men’s Elimination Chamber match in Toronto on Saturday March 1st..

After seemingly jovial celebrations with WWE Champion Cody Rhodes, who had just spurned The Rock’s offer of becoming the corporate champion (an archetype of professional wrestling in which the champion becomes subservient to an authority figure, ultimately having to do their bidding in exchange for monetary reward or backstage influence), Cena then proceeded to mercilessly attack Rhodes in a manner that wrestling audiences have never seen. Striking Rhodes with a microphone, the title belt, and even the Rolex watch gifted to the American Nightmare after his famous Wrestlemania win in April 2024.

Cena declined to elaborate on his shock heel-turn (a surprising and shocking change in disposition in which a character transitions from good guy to bad guy) in the post-show conference, going only as far as to performatively drop the microphone in front of the assembled reporters.

For those searching for answers in the future Hall of Famer’s actions leading up to the betrayal, the clues were there.

After finishing as runner-up to ‘Main Event’ Jey Uso at the Royal Rumble in February, Cena declared himself for the following month’s Elimination Chamber (the only remaining chance to qualify for a world championship bout at April’s Wrestlemania 41), apparently without undergoing the formalities of qualification, which the match’s five other combatants had to go through. “It’s what’s best for business,” the superstar told journalists at that media conference.

He also appeared untroubled by winning the Elimination Chamber off the back of Seth ‘Freakin’ Rollins’s interference, ‘The Visionary’ having attacked runner-up CM Punk even after his own elimination from the contest. It’s hard to imagine the Cena of old opportunistically capitalising on such underhand tactics, especially against longtime rival Punk, with whom he had shared two emotional embraces earlier in the same match.

Following his victory over Punk, Cena remained in the ring, where the pay-per-view would end with Cody Rhodes answering The Rock’s request to sell his soul and become the corporate champion.

Rhodes spurned The Rock’s offer, instead pledging his soul to the fans. This is when the most electrifying man in sports entertainment signalled to John Cena, the real corporate champion, to execute Order 66, as they say in the Star Wars. With a low blow followed by a vicious and sustained attack, Cena unleashed a terrifying new evil persona that shocked the wrestling world.

This, then, is the groundwork which seems to have enabled the infernal tag-teaming between Cena and President Trump, also a Wrestlemania victor and already a WWE Hall of Famer.

“Minerals. Championships. At the end of the day it’s all fair game,” said Cena. “There comes a time when you have to do what’s best for business. And that time is now.”

Trump was less cryptic about the new pairing’s designs:

“John has realised that the only thing more lucrative than selling t-shirts to children, is selling children for minerals.” When asked specifically what the minerals were and why he had a right to them, the President simply said that there were “Many minerals. Many beautiful minerals. Some big, some small, but all beautiful, very beautiful minerals. So many minerals, I don’t know maybeweh, I don’t know, maybeweh can make a new invention out of them. I don’t know, maybe you people will tell me if we can or if we can’t, but I really think we can.”

It remains to be seen what this unscrupulous new faction will do, as we enter the final strait in the ‘Road to Wrestlemania’, but it’s hard to imagine an outcome that doesn’t bring with it devastating results. You can call this the New World Order of international relations, brotha.