Trump: I need the kind of generals Hitler had. Ones that try to kill me with an exploding briefcase.
By Donald J. Trump
As dictated to Ben Cotton
I just think that would be cool to have an exploding briefcase. It would legit be the coolest demise, except maybe sharks or e.g. batteries. Omg don't even start me on a battery-powered exploding shark with a briefcase. I can't even.
You see, those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it, and because I'm a big dumbass I am doomed to repeat it. With that in mind, it's time for me to study the archives to find the coolest historical death to imitate.
The big no-no here is an Elvis death. If I died on the khazi then that would be everyone's overriding memory of me. I'd go down in the history books as a big weird guy who did weird things, and I just don't want that. Also, Elvis was kinda gaudy, I don’t know. He looked sort of fake and weird.
No, I need a cool death, e.g. Darth Maul's, or the baddie off of Toy Story 3. Picture my legless body and my bodyless legs falling into a big space gap. Or me being strapped to the grill of a garbage truck and licking flies off my face.
Of course, the elephant in the room is that I have been the victim of two assassination attempts, thankfully both by two losers who couldn't hit a barn door with another barn door, let alone my scratch golfing ass with an AK. I just don't think a president who is killed via firearm would be remembered. How many presidential gun crime victims can you name? Fuckin Millard Fillmore or some shit? Or did he die of a nut allergy? Frankly, who gives a crud? Not me, and certainly not the history books. The list of presidential assassinations is a real Who's Who of who ain't. I really think it is. I don't know, maybe you people will tell me if it is or if it isn't, but I think it is.
Elon has been great, really great, we’re so happy to have him on board. You know, that guy is a very…smart…man, a very smart dumbass man guy, very great. He’s working on many great and smart things, very smart things. He’s been developing many cool new ways to meet your maker, such as; driving an exploding Tesla, driving in an airless tunnel underneath Los Angeles, or perhaps driving an exploding Tesla into a formation of longbowmen who are shooting their longbows at the door. That guy’s a real smart…nerd, but a beautiful nerd, I have a lot of love for our nerds, the greatest nerds. He’s trying to get me to agree to have a trained ninja dice me with a katana, but I don’t know. Maybeh we go with the Japanese sword thing, I don’t know. We’re looking into it, there’s many great, very beautiful ideas.
Another one of our allies is Joe Rogan, who’s been great, very great, he is a very famous man with a very beautiful podcast. He’s also been suggesting cool demises, and he thinks that a strong Brazilian guy should perform a running knee to my face in a sort of Jiu-Jitsu style, I don’t know, sounds very great, we’re looking into it. We’ve got a lot of very beautiful, very skilled people brainstorming a lot of crazy deaths. My little boy Barron says that I should surround myself with Minecraft TNT and then whack it with a pickaxe. I don’t know what the hell that means but I know it is a very beautiful, very…amazing idea with a lotta very great things about it, so I don’t know, we’re looking into it.
Maybeh I need to get outside my comfort zone. Face my fears. I’m a bit of a germaphobe, I just hate germs. So maybe I should scrape the oily residue off the handrails at Grand Central Station and snort it, or perhaps I should eat a germ. I don’t know, maybeh we will, we’re looking into it.
But back to Hitler. He was a very mad, very dangerous dumb guy, but also had a lot of beautiful…spirit. He loved his country of Australia so much, so much love and beauty, I’ll say that, ya know? The only thing I don’t like about him was that he got injured in a war, I don’know, I just prefer my soldiers to not be injured losers, I don’t know. They say he was gassed, I don’t know. We’re looking into it.
He had the greatest generals, but not greater than me, nobody has greater generals than me, very great, very beautiful, very amazing generals, but those generals were nasty. They were nasty, dangerous, generals who tried to stop me because I’m working for you, but they couldn’t stop me. I said why can’t we simply shoot Iran, but they said Sir we can’t shoot Iran, and I said why, and they said Sir nobody’s ever asked that, and I said ok. Really great generals, wonderful people, some of the greatest people in the history of the world.
Hitler had a lotta great generals, beautiful generals. I’m just reading Wikipedia right now and he had a Desert Fox as a general. I think that’s pretty great, to have a fox, a critter as a general. Kinda like Disney shit, or perhaps Roald Dahl’s Fantastic Mr Fox, I don’t know, maybe it is, we’re looking into it, but I will say that the Desert Fox loved Hitler, he loved him and he wanted nothing more than for Hitler to be a winner, a beautiful winner, an American winner.
Those Nazis had a lot of very beautiful critters and pets, they had a place called the Wolf's Lair, which is like Hitler’s Mar-a-Lago. And I like to think Adolf was golfing, doing a lotta great golfing with his buddies, many of whom were beautiful generals and also people, okpeeble. People like Claus von Stauffenberg. I don’know who that guy was but he was listed as something called a ‘chief conspirator’ on a page called the July Plot. I didn’t want to read too deeply into it but I think they were trying to give Hitler an exploding briefcase. I know I started this article sorta sounding like I knew what that was, but I think now I don’t, I don’t know, maybe you people will tell me if I do or if I don’t but we have many wonderful people.
Anyway, I don’t want to take up too much of your time. Listen to Gumf Audio One-Offs. Connor recently released an audiobook about York, a very beautiful, very strong story with lots of…ideas. I don’t know, he’s great, I love that guy. Do we love that guy? I know I do, but not as much as I love deals. Ben is also a great guy, pretty great guy, I don’t know.
We’re looking into it.
