We Did Not Authorise The Gumf Porn Parody

Gumf Towers, Canary Wharf, UK

The last 12 months at Gumf Magazine have been some of our most successful. We started a comedy variety podcast; we released more online articles than any other calendar year (8, including this one) and we put a load of post-it notes on my bedroom wall to plan out Gumf Issue Four. Under the leadership of Raniel O’Day, the company has seen a 400% increase in website engagement and 20x more legal battles won, thanks to his crack legal team.

Connor Fenton and Ben Cotton assemble notes for Gumf Issue Four.

Sadly, with every success, there are bound to be a few setbacks. The unauthorised release of a Gumf Porn Parody is the biggest setback to date.

What is the Gumf Porn Parody?

The pornographic film titled ‘Cumf Gagazine Jizz-shoe Three’ stars erotic actors Boner Fuckton, Men Cockem and Ramiel O’Gay, the latter being a well endowed puppet who employs and exploits the other characters.

Despite the 90 minute piece shining very favourable depictions of our physicalities and our sexual capabilities, Gumf Magazine feels the need to emphasise that we did not endorse or permit the use of our branding, characters, names or any other intellectual property for this production.

The plot, in all fairness, exceeds any narrative capability we’ve managed to attain in our own writing over the last four years. It follows Fuckton and Cockem as they hustle in the big city to get their independent magazine off the ground. They soon stumble upon a sentient cursed marionette with a 14” member, who offers them $30bn for their publication and a night of passionate lovemaking.

A large portion of that story never actually happened.

Who made the Gumf Porn Parody?

It is highly likely that this is all the result of a smear campaign developed by our rival publication, Dilly Mag, a reliable news source with real journalists who have real stories and actual talent. They hate us because we manage to run an entertaining magazine without any of those things.

Readers of Gumf Issue 3 will remember Dilly Mag’s paid advertisement which spent a full page calling us cunts.

We demanded a statement from their Editor-in-Chief, Arman Dilly, after a papertrail led us straight from the porn parody’s production company to a Dilly Mag sister-corporation. “Dilly Mag had no hand in developing the Cumf Gagazine film” his press release began “That said, surely those gremlins at Gumf are used to seeing themselves sucking each other off.” 

“I’m serious.” He continued, taking his statement to Twitter, currently known as Shite, “These guys get a £20/month Squarespace subscription with some poxy domain off of GoDaddy and that makes them a magazine?”

“You’re a fucking melt” replied Gumf Editor-in-Chief, Raniel O’Day, “You can kiss my porcelain little pidge.”

Fans of both magazines declared the bout between the zines a no-contest as each of the executives appear to have shown “no real interest in talking about the porn thing that we’re all here for.”

What do the fans think about the Gumf Porn Parody?

While the interest in the porn parody from Gumf Magazine readers has been minimal, the parody has now garnered an audience 50x larger than the magazine itself, leaving many of its viewers unaware that the video is a parody at all.

“The lives of these characters are so pitiful that I’m finding it difficult to pleasure myself” writes one of the video’s more eloquent commenters.

“I empathise with Boner’s character. If I was that ugly, I would do just about anything for some intimacy too.” Writes another.

As a result of the video’s success, ‘Did you mean: Cumf Gagazine’ is now prompted by Google when searching for our website, which makes a difference from it suggesting ‘Golf Magazine’.

In an effort to cash in on the video’s success, talks are now in place at Gumf Towers to change the Gumf name in every aspect of the business to match the name of the porn parody. Within the coming weeks, the Gumf Magazine name will live no longer and a new era of CumfGag.com will dawn across the internet.

So continue to tune into Cumf Whoredio Jack-Offs, read our Feeture Squirticles and check out our Mirkindise in the Cumf Gagazine clothing store.

Thanks for being loyal readers of an independent magazine and supporters of two small-town boys with big city dreams.