The Five Worst Woke Things by Tony The Tiler

What a pathetic lot of delicate idiots the people of today have become. Modern media (this poxy magazine included) has been overrun and dictated for years now by a cadre of degenerate, safespace espousing snowflakes. The world has gone woke.

For those of you who are unaware, ‘woke’ is a great new word invented by the very smart people on respectable platforms such as X formerly known at Twitter and LBC (except not the programs with woke hosts). ‘Woke’ is a great word because it means ‘too sensitive about human rights.’

You’ve no doubt heard these idiot wokies (like Keir Starmer, Gary Lineker and Marcus Rashford) touting such tripe as free school meals or the right to choose. It is complete contrived nonsense, namely because myself and the other cereal mascots born in the 1950s don’t understand or agree with it.

If we’re going to make the world g-g-great! again, we’re going to need to take action against the wokification of these mardy morons and dissolve their movements like the sugar on a delicious bowl of Frosted Flakes. I’ve compiled a list of the Five Worst Woke Things so we all know where to aim our anti-woke rays and how we can cultivate some woke snowflake tears.

5) Staying Out of Gaza

Did you know these wokes have got a problem against justice? Well it must be the case, since they won’t let Israel deliver swift and fair justice onto the men, women and children of Hamas. That’s right, these ninnies are too scared of ‘genocide’ to let the long arm (and missile strikes) get things straight and flat.

I’ve honestly seen wokes online whinging about schools, hospitals and aid shelters being destroyed with the civilian death toll now reaching the tens of thousands. I’ve got one question for the wokes: I don’t understand enough about the historical context leading up to the conflict.

It’s seriously woke to side with these cowering, starving terrorist neighbours. Honestly, if I lived in a street surrounded by a bunch of wokies who supported Palestine, I’d shoot fireworks into their bedroom windows from my house. If they shot back, I’d be fuming.

4) The Transgender Stuff

Fuck knows what’s going on with all this but basically these wokesters have got it in their heads that there’s more than one gender. How about this you little snowglobes, we’re all human gender. Even me, and I’m an anthropomorphic tiger.

You can go about calling yourself an ostrich or whatever it is they do on Rupert’s Drag Race, but I’ll be going the way of the Cornflakes Dodo before I acknowledge it. I’ve never met a transgender before and considering I’m seventy-one years old, I probably won’t, however I’ll still vote for whoever claims transgenders shouldn’t be in the olympics.

Come to think of it, I’ve never met an olympian before but their eight year long careers that effectively have no impact on the world at large is very very important to me.

3) Gluten Free

I was at a Five Guys the other day because I make a lot of money from being a cereal influencer and I don’t mind spending it on medium sized burgers. I was taking a look at the menu with my wife (she’s only twenty-nine by the way) and she noticed ‘GF’ printed next to the cajun seasoned fries.

“What the piss does that mean?” I asked her “Girlfriend? They’ve let these chips have a sodding mrs? Everyone knows chips are heterosexual women, what in Christ's name is that?!”

By the time she managed to calm me down, she told me it meant they were ‘Gluten Free’. Just when you think the communists have done enough, they’ve convinced the wokies to make it illegal to charge extra for gluten.

I’m not entirely sure what gluten is but I imagine it’s some sort of BBQ sauce. So we’re going to let all of the BBQ sauce factories in the world go out of business? Because that’s what will happen if we keep making gluten free. These woke morons are clearly asleep and dreaming if they think they aren’t tearing the heart out of the condiment economydiment.

“What about people who’re gluten intolerant?” I’m hearing you all ask. How about they eat ketchup?

2) Being Polite to Service Staff

Jesus on a bike, now I’ve really heard it all. Did you know I once spat in the face of a Burger King drive thru worker? It was for no good reason other than I was in a bad mood and hey’re sub-human scum. You’re supposed to do that or else they get ideas like going for middle wage bracket jobs that rich peoples’ kids are supposed to have.

The wokes on the other hand will have you think that we’re all equal. We are not. There’s a reason they call tigers kings of the jungle. There’s a reason they call coffee shop workers piss in shoes. If we were all equal, then realistically we should all be paid a wage where we can all afford to live with dignity and respect. Sorry wokies, but that won’t do! 

If you really want to piss off a woke, get yourself in B&Q, fill your trolley with the biggest, bulkiest, most awkward items you can. Get to the counter, tell them to move the items onto the belt for you. You’ll be tempted to make an excuse like ‘I’ve hurt my back, can you help?’ but don’t do that.

You need them to know you’re telling them to do this because you’re better than them. Then when they’ve scanned it all through and they ask for payment, put a finger over one nostril and blow a fat snot rocket onto their faces as hard as you can.

1) Unfrosted Cereals

Now, I’m a tolerant guy, but seriously? Is nothing sacred? I’ve been in the sugar coated flakes of corn industry all my life. It’s what I was born to do and listen, I get it, I really do. Cereals come in all shapes, sizes and colours. I don’t care if it’s brown, yellow, sort of glazed orange looking colours, but come on, it needs a little bit of powdered sugar stuck to it.

These wokies - I know, notice how these guys are behind everything - they’ve ruined the thing I love most. It’s not enough to tax sugar to high heavens, they’ve now made it punishable (by death, mind you) to eat cereal that’s covered in even the slightest layer of sugar. They really want to destroy everything we hold dear.

They would kill in the name of unfrosted cereal. Can you believe how heartless these sick, deranged freaks are? They’ve got violence and malice deep within their hearts.

How do I know this? Well, I’ve not seen anything in particular that proves this point, but it sounds so much like something they’ve do that it’s effectively undeniable. Even the mafia didn’t hit the families. Even histories nastiest bastards (the visigoths, I imagine) didn’t hit the cereals. Unless they were harvesting grains, in which case they’d be hitting cereals with a sickle or maybe a scythe. 

Regardless, round each of these wokes up in a pen and force them to watch Gladiator. Give them a taste of the real world and any of them who refuse to stop being woke… well… Actually I’m not sure what we’ll do then.

In fact, when they’re done with Gladiator, make them listen to that Gumf Audio One-Offs shite. That’ll learn ‘em.