You're Fucked: Trump Imposes 35% Tariffs on Being a Prick
Oh shit, this is seriously bad news for the likes of you. 45th and 47th POTUS Donald Jumbo Trump has announced the latest additions to his widespread tariffs today, with ‘Being a prick’ taking a whopping 35% levy.
Speaking from the White House lawn while holding some kind of teaching aide that he made himself, Trump told reporters “There’s been a huge deficit, okay. It’s one of the biggest they’ve seen, okpeeble. We’re getting pricks from Europe, China, even Australia - so many pricks - they’re practically giving them away - and do they take our pricks? They don’t. It’s very sad, it’s a sad state of affairs, but not anymore.”
How will tariffs affect a prick like me?
Unfortunately for pricks like you, reader, this means a whole heap-load of shit. Where you were previously experiencing open trade with the US, you can now expect more than a third of your import value to be added on in tariffs.
In case you haven’t had it explained to you by BBC News 100 times this week already, tariffs are effectively a tax that apply to imported goods, usually seeing the cost increased for the customer. In this case, that would be the people who tolerate you being a massive prick.
No, genuinely, what are you going to do now? Because that’s honestly going to fuck you right over in the long run. I mean, when you’re off being a prick, don’t you kind of rely on that globalisation to easily open trade corridors and allow yourself to prick it up in new market territories? Oh man, you might be royally fucked with this one.
Well maybe I’m not technically a prick and I can get away with registering as a knobhead or a bit of a twat
Good thought, but I’m sorry to say that Trump has designated a number of activities that will classify you as a total prick in terms of import/export fees:
Not indicating when leaving a roundabout (even when it’s going straight over)
Pointing out someone has a spot
Shopping at Cheshire Oaks
Saying things like “Well, there’s no right side, is there?” when discussing anything to do with politics
Maybe a bit too specific, but I was in a steam room a few weeks ago and to build up the moisture in the air, a guy spat water from his mouth into the humidifier and I’ve got to say, he was one of the biggest pricks in the world
Using “Blocker” as a generic term for something that stops you from doing something
Saying “sportsball” to ironically indicate you don’t follow sports
Listening to Gumf Audio One-Offs
Wearing clothes that just have a product logo on (i.e, Pepsi, Coca-Cola, etc.)
Adding “.com” onto sentences for no good reason
Having sideburns
Believing that your local word for baps is arbitrarily better than any other regions', and being genuinely emotionally aghast that someone might have a different word for one if they were born 350 miles away from you
Economists have been quick to identify that none of the prickish traits appear to apply to Russian-sourced knobheads or douchebags, harkening a tightening of Trump’s ties with Russian power.
I’ll just stop doing all of those things and enjoy free trade with the world’s largest economy!
For your sake, I really wish it was that easy, however Trump has confirmed that any entities who have displayed this behaviour within the last 18 months will see tariffs applied to all imports.
It’s not just you that’s impacted by the cost of being a massive prick - members of parliaments have unified in a rare cross-party pledge against the president’s decision, with all of them stating their trade with America will be impacted.
Gumf Magazine has declared a trade embargo with the United States as a result of the tariffs. “Of course this affects us” Editor In-Chief and cursed marionette, Raniel O’Day told us “every single employee (a total of two, considering I don’t have a National Insurance number) is a massive, intolerable prick.”
Critics of the magazine claim this move from O’Day is most likely nothing to do with the tariffs and in fact due to zero copies of Gumf Issue 3 ever being sold to the US.
At press time, Trump has returned to the White House front garden with a big new board labelled ‘Donals Top 5 Burgors to Eat in Washingdun Deesee’
