Zelensky Removes All Mention Of Minerals From Chocolate Eggs
Putin-shagging presidents worldwide have condemned Volodymyr Zelensky for his controversial decision to remove all mention of Rare Earth Minerals from his Rare Earth Minerals chocolate egg packaging, amid calls to make the event more inclusive of an apolitical and business audience.
Responding to intense criticism from various patriotic pressure groups, Mr Zelensky claimed that the decision had been undertaken to make the Kyiv-based confectioner’s traditional Rare Earth Minerals chocolate eggs more palatable to a diverse 21st Century consumer base.
“Nobody In Ukrainy wants to tarnish America’s favourite public holiday, Rare Earth Minerals Bank Holiday. Ukrainy remains steadfastly in support of the day in which daytime TV star Donald “Famous for being famous” Trump and his obseqious neighbour Jason Donovan Vance celebrate how much they love and value minerals, and we’re proud of our history which is inextricably intertwined with the event,” said the 47-year-old mineralsm’n, addressing Western journalists from his underground mancave in Kyiv.
“But times change, and we want everyone, no matter their beliefs, their background, to be able to join in the celebration of minerals.”
Critics of Ukraine and Mr Zelensky had a right nark-on over it, and were, by all accounts, absolutely fucking livid about the whole affair. Notable pressure group, Mothers and Bikers and Presidents 4 Minerals, flocked to the streets of Washington DC to make their displeasure known. Mrs Toni Grape of Hogsville, Iowa, called the stunt “a short-sighted and basically fucking shit rebranding,” and said that ecclesiastical matriarchal figures and their comrades, the bikers and daytime TV stars, would hit the country where it hurts: Eurovision votes.
Liz Truss, a 49-year-old (nice!) who claims to have been the Prime Minister of the actual country when the Queen died, decided to get stuck into the bickering, calling the move “completely ridiculous.” The unemployed subject of the much-pulped biography Liz Truss: Who’s The Fucking Daddy? took shots at the “lefty do-gooders” who she said wanted “to destroy the country’s sacred relationship with Minerals; the gorgeous and rare things that are in the ground.”
Since 2014, Ukraine has hosted events in which Russian-backed separatists can explore various Ukrainian National Trust properties, to search for magical Mineral eggs, and sniff their earthy goodness. Until 2022 the marketing for such events heavily featured references to Minerals, but this seems to have been toned down in recent years.
“We’re proud to introduce some much needed secularity to Minerals,” continued President Zelensky. “We love Minerals as much as anyone, but felt compelled to change our messaging slightly. We’ll no longer be using the Minerals name explicitly, but our events will feature all the familiar Mineralsy action that we know and love. We can confirm that Russians will still be able to kiss the Minerals.”
When pressed for comment, Brad Pitt responded “I couldn’t give a flying ant about this whole affair. I’m a movie star hunk, and I don’t have time to think about ants, never mind Liz Truss!” which seems fair enough, really.
If anything, Minerals Day has become increasingly commercialised over recent years, and the true apolitical meaning is getting lost in eggs.
