Elon Musk Announces SpaceX Flight To Colonise The Sudetenland
It’s time for us to say “Masterful gambit, mein Führer!” because neurodivergent gamer, Elon Musk has today launched the first successful expedition to the Sudetenland since 1938. Speaking at a conference of far-right podcasters and epic-meme-enjoyers this morning, the neurodivergent gamer couldn’t contain his excitement, even going so far as to do an awkward weird voice, like a sort of 53-year-old teenager, when he was telling one of his famous hilarious jokes: “I guess you could, um, say, or I mean call it, Memes for Our Time, because it’s like, you know, it’s like the quote, like, a reference to the quote, but it’s like memes because I love memes, like an epic amount.”
SpaceX, recently rebranded to the National Aerospace and Zerogravity Institute, or NAaZI, continues its quest to bring neu Lebensraum to the United States, and Mr Musk has been given a double-edged chainsaw of a task: he is to both identify potential new areas of expansion, and also to oversee their conquest. The neurodivergent gamer was keen to stress that his company’s occupation of the Sudetenland -the German-speaking areas of the former Czechoslovakia- came with the express consent of the region’s population: “You know I actually emailed everyone in the Sudetenland. Like, I actually emailed each and every person in the region. I told them to reply with a list of reasons why I shouldn’t occupy the Sudetenland, which I would feed into a large-language model to decide whether or not SpaceX would proceed with the illegal invasion, uh, sorry, illegal meme-vasion.
“There was a lot of push-back, but the great thing about free speech is that you can just sort of shut it down and block those people. I’m sort of like Scumbag Steve in that regard, and they’re like Bad Luck Brian, or the Jealous Girlfriend meme. Damn, Daniel!
“In the end, I just said that those with qualms about our designs on the Sudetenland should debate us in a big voice chat on Twitter, that very evening at 6pm ET. Bad luck for those guys because our notoriously wobbly servers were down at that moment, and everyone that could resolve that situation was fired two years ago. By the time we’d got the site back online, we’d already launched the meme-vasion. Bad luck (Brian meme)!”
The neurodivergent gamer then went on to make several hilarious and un-awkward jokes about the incident, including: “They did Nazi that coming, you know like the Nazis, like, in Germany, but also, like, it sounds sort of like, like, audibly, it kind of references the words not see, like a pun,” and “Panzer tank? I hardly even know ‘er tank!”
The overt references to Nazism came as a shock to those who queried the neurodivergent gamer’s controversial gesture at Vice-President Trump’s presidential inauguration in January, where many believed the raised arm to be a Nazi-style salute, popularised by the ancient Romans, but also, to be fair, the Nazis.
“I didn’t even know who Hitler was when I did that, I’m just a physically uncoordinated neurodivergent gamer, so I sort of do a lot of weird little movements. I have a very loose control over my body because I’m a computer dweeb. I even saw an alarming tweet, where someone had a posted a video of a guy at the inauguration doing a salute that was somehow anti-semitic, and I retweeted it with the caption ‘Concerning if true :3’ but then I realised that I was the person in the video, which made the news even more concerning if true.
“Literally, like, I had to go home and ask KnowYourMeme.com, and later ChatGPT, what Hitler was, like, I had never even heard of that as a thing.
“Of course as soon as I realised who Hitler was and what that accidental gesture could be construed as, given the context, I thought…epic! I frickin’ love this Hitler guy. He was bitter, obsessed with revenge, evil, like, he literally ticked all of the boxes. He was even the good guy in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, who’s trying to burn all the books, before the primary antagonist of the film, Indiana Jones, thwarts him, and the movie ends with the bad guys riding off into the sunset (kinda weird choice).”
The neurodivergent gamer had wandered off-track, as the ADHD are wont to do, so we had to bring him back to the point at hand:
“…and you know that meme of the toddler, who’s, like, doing an epic fist pump, like…oh sorry, yes, the Sudetenland. So I was reading some research ChatGPT had done into Hitler, and it was essentially saying how great the guy was. He made the trains run on time, he got rid of all the undesirables, he even hosted a major sporting event, just like the United States is in 2026.
“There is some differences. In his day, it was the black athletes threatening to destroy the entire world, and nowadays it’s the trans athletes, but at the end of the day the essential problem was the same: athletes will kill us all if we don’t hound them from society.”
The neurodivergent gamer then went on to describe some of his other influences.
“I’m a big Wolfenstein 3D fan. It’s such a cool game, I love that shit. Mecha-Nazis, SS-style spooky mysticism, gothic fortresses where weird old blokes with a persecution complex are doing peculiar and aimless scientific experiments. You know, there’s literally a bit in the game where the player has to try to lose to a robotic Hitler, so that he can occupy the world via techno-Fascism. I love robots. I love robots because they can do all the nasty jobs that we humans don’t want to do, like enslaving humans, and killing humans, and creative writing. Much like the history of Nazi Germany, sci-fi has so many great ideas for how we can shape the future.
“I’ve actually been doing similar myself. My Neuralink programme has been seeking to kill monkeys in increasingly cruel and technological ways, by trying to put some sort of computer chip in their brain. I even lobotomised a macaque by trying to put a Beyblade into his consciousness, to see if I could let him rip. All it did was make him twitch for eleven minutes whilst he died an agonising death, so I just stuck him on the little bike that the old Evil Knievel toy from the seventies had, and jumped him into the freeway. Seeing that Hitler wanted to do the same thing really made me step back and re-assess what I was doing.
“Here I was, playing this game where Hitler had put his brain into a giant robot with machine guns for arms, and I was trying to put Nvidia graphics cards into monkeys’ heads to see if I could play Diablo IV on them. What was I doing with my life? I thought.
“What I should be doing is putting Hitler’s brain into a monkey’s skull! Imagine Planet of the Apes but if the apes were all psychotic criminals with deeply racist and sadistic desires! How novel! Hell, I could even put Hitler’s brain in my head! Give me some of his immense powers of authoritarian technocracy. I could become a giant genocidal Bionicle. That man knew a thing or two about forming alliances with Russian dictators, to the detriment of Eastern Europe. All I needed was political capital.
“When I was at my inauguration back in January, I got speaking to this old ginger guy, who was called Donald Fart. He was like a sort of gaudy American Noel Edmunds or something. Old daytime TV star or something. I think he had a bit part in Home Alone 2, and he was Bobby Lashley’s valet in the semi-main-event of Wrestlemania 23. He had a lot of cool ideas about replicating Nazi tactics, such as freeing criminals and insurrectionists and then giving them jobs in order to inspire undying fealty and zeal.
“He didn’t really seem to have any political convictions of his own, per se (only criminal convictions) he was more focused on monetising his brand by releasing kitschy products like golden trainers, virtual trading cards that exist on your computer, and Corinthian Microstars with his likeness.
“But he did seem to exercise some degree of political influence, and he was happy to offer it to anyone that could pay for it. Being a billionaire myself, I laid down some of those icky, sticky green Benjamins and bought the old man, and now I’m here in the Oval Office, with my vice-president and son: www.MySon.net, and also this Donald guy who I’m obliged to keep around.
We had to take a break at this stage of the interview because the neurodivergent gamer had thought of a really hilarious joke which he needed to “Tweet out on his website full of Tweets, which is called X.com” like it’s a porn site or something. I logged onto the Gumf Twitter account to see what this hilarious joke was, but he appeared to have been distracted by a Russian bot that was claiming that woke people had infiltrated the US government. He then tweeted a YouTube link with the caption “very concerning if true! wokeness is going to [sic] far!” but the site displays a thumbnail for the link, so you could see that it was Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up without having to click it. I looked up to see that he was staring at me expectedly, waiting to hear the humiliating percussive pranking of the electronic eighties drum intro kick in from my phone. Just to pacify the neurodivergent gamer, I clicked the link and got rolled by Rick.
“He he :3, epic fail, my man!” he said, even doing the :3 face somehow. “That one’s from my creamy meme stash. I’m fifty-three years old.”
