Hitler Releases Apology For “Dropping A Bollock” 88 Years Ago
Austrian celeb Adolf Hitler, one of those vacuous people who’s famous despite having no discernible talents, has today released an apology for not being “the sort of man we needed all those years ago.” The shock apology, coming in the form of a 15-minute YouTube video, conceded that he’d been “pretty out of order” and “acted in a manner that falls way below [his] high personal standards”. The former-Führer, who celebrated his 132nd birthday last week, said that the Coronavirus pandemic had left him with a lot of thinking time, and that he couldn’t re-enter public life without addressing his past misdemeanours:
“Probably not a lot of people remember now, but in the 1930s and 40s, I sort of dropped a bollock, if I’m being brutally honest. You might say I was a bit of a naughty Hitler, and I don’t want to make excuses, but I was going through a bit of a rough patch. I was constantly arguing with my ex-Fraulein, and I had all this shit going on with the Soviet Union, which I’d rather not go into. Let’s just say that me and the so-called ‘Allies’ (pretty ironic name to give them considering they were up in my ass about the whole thing!) weren’t seeing eye-to-eye - LOL!” He did actually say ‘LOL’, which I feel is quite noteworthy, for some reason. Like, he didn’t just laugh, he said ‘LOL’ out loud. He used the acronym for ‘laugh out loud’ out loud, instead of laughing, out loud.
Hitler, now going by the name ‘Martin Filchard’ due to the acrimony surrounding his birth name, was also keen to stress that he didn’t harbour any ill will towards the rest of the world, he just “wished that people had been honest with how they were feeling about his behaviour at the time” and that he was still feeling “pretty crummy about it”.
The Lebensraum-lover from Braunau am Inn has seen his stock in Hollywood fall since the infamous 1945 controversy, which concluded when he shot himself in his bunker, rather than apologise to his old mate Joseph Stalin. Latterly, he’s found it difficult to get paid acting work, and has been typecast as a performer who appears mostly in war films, most recently to get absolutely roasted by heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio in Quentin Tarentino’s 2019 flick Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Addressing the state of his career, the Fascist and crap artist said “I’ve not been given the opportunity to play the sorts of roles that I feel like I can do justice to. For some reason, the sycophants at the big Hollyweird studios think that it’s ok to keep casting me in these lazy dictatorial parts, to get a serious scorching from Leo DiCap, or shot to bits like an absolute cock by Brad Pitt’s lackeys in Inglourious Basterds.”
It remains to be seen whether a slightly tardy olive branch from the main boss of 1992’s Wolfenstein 3D will be enough to earn some goodwill for the aging warmonger, though he did conclude the video by saying that, given the chance, he was going to “get stuck into the Rhineland again like it’s a packet of custard creams” which I feel does go some way to undoing the character rehabilitation that he’s attempting. If nothing else, it’s a bit of schadenfreude for us. Much like disgraced sports presenter, Richard Keys, some people are just too toxic.
