My Plan for Peace with Zombie King, by Keir Rondey Starmer

10 Downing Street, London, UK.

Being Prime Minister is really, properly hard. Not even joking, it’s dead, dead difficult. When I first got the job, I thought I could pull a Cameron (remember him?) and sort of fade into the unremarkable malaise of history.

Sadly, the world is a far different place to what it was when Dave was dossing through the white walled halls of, well, Whitehall.

Since I was hired, I’ve;

• Watched a riot over the summer and nearly bloody did something about it! Genuinely this close to having an opinion on it.

• Asked farmers for a bit more money that everyone else pays. Fuck me did they not like that.

• Gotten back into Tekken, which was nice because it’s good to return to a game that you really need to work at if you want to play better.

Despite this rampant success in the face of adversity, there is one unavoidable belligerent that continues to marr the progress of this nation of mine: Zombie King.

Last summer I laid out my three-fold plan to stop Zombie King in his decomposing tracks, however it has proven more difficult than initially imagined. It’s dead, dead hard being Prime Minister and it’s like genuinely stupidly difficult stopping Zombie King at stuff.

With this in mind, I declare to you now, my plan for lasting peace with Zombie King, which should be much easier to do and only involve a fair amount of us humans compromising to the whims of the zombie horde.

Be Really Nice to Zombie King

We have all seen Zombie King on his Zombosia government addresses, the guy is fricking odious! He’s arrogant, he’s rude and he’s missing most of the flesh on his face. In recent months, he’s ramped up his zombie attacks on marginalised communities the world over, which is bang out of order.

Issue is, since his land forces now control more than 43% of the world’s countries and their governments, it is genuinely just too difficult to disagree with him. I go out and say he shouldn’t be having entire continents turned into his zombie thralls? Boom, he’s put sanctions on trade to the UK and suddenly I’ve got Farrage telling me I’m a minger. It’s not worth the hassle.

To avoid that, I’ll now be telling Zombie King he is really cool and ace. If he wants to rename the Straits of Gibraltar to the Zombie of Zombraltar or some dross like that, I’ll say it’s an absolutely fab idea. It’s just easier that way.

Be Really Nice to Zombie King’s Enemies

It’s no secret that people around the world oppose Zombie King. Don’t tell him, but I do too! Thing is, I don’t want to sever ties with the anti-zombie nations when I do my zombie ass-kissing routine.

When people start giving Zombie King short shrift, I plan to deftly and cunningly align myself with them, without damaging my relationship with ZK. 

If they scrutinise his decision to turn the Gaza Strip into a massive Zombie Casino, I’ll say things like “Mmm, yeah I get what you mean. I suppose everyone just has a different opinion about these things.”

The result? I get twice as many friends and everyone likes me more. I’ll have my zombie cake and eat it too.

Turn a Blind Eye to Zombieistic Fringe Groups

Zombification is happening right beneath our noses in this country. Every day, MI5 comes to me with an A4 clear plastic wallet, like one of those Poly Pocket things, and it’s just rammed full with pages of information about zombie cells. Reading it takes ages and is dead hard to do.

These groups pose a serious threat to Britain, with every single one seeking to subvert the non-zombitude of Great Britain. That said, Zombie King would be really annoyed if I got rid of them, because he really likes zombies, obviously.

So I will allow these zombie groups to continue to operate. I’m sure there will be some sort of ramifications to letting violent subversive groups run amok in our communities, but basically it’s going to be too tricky to fetter these frickers!

I’ll need to make sure that MI5 don’t get bored though, because that usually results in a military coup. I’ll have them shut down other underground groups like Just Stop Oil and Warehouse Project to keep them busy. I don’t really know what the deal is with those things but I reckon Zombie King would like me more if I told him I got rid of them.

The Future

It is very, very tricky being the prime minister, almost impossible, I swear down. That said, I am sure there is a bright future out there for us. A future where zombies can do pretty much whatever they want and the rest of us will only have to make very big adjustments to our lives in order to accommodate the living undead.

I’m willing to face our biggest threat head on. So head on that our foreheads are touching and I’m looking the threat right in the eyes and saying “Please, please don’t do much more mischief on my country. I’m having a difficult time keeping it together.”

And that is my promise to you.