BERKS and Nutters: Exposed
Leader of the Opposition and MP for Holborn and St Pancras, Keir Rodney Starmer lists the biggest wazzocks and tossers throughout history.
Edited (and written, if you do insist on being such a killjoy) by Ben Cotton
That bloke off of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the one who’s always swinging that bloody chainsaw about) - Swear to God, if this bloke doesn’t stop cutting people’s heads off with his chainsaw, I’m going to lose me rag with him.
Hitler - Arsehole. End of.
Howard off of Big Bang Theory - I defy anyone to look at Howard Wolowitz off of Big Bang Theory and not think ‘this berk is an absolute pranny’. His fashion sense is so bollocks that it’d give Gok Wan a cardiac arrest, and his mum’s a tosser. The only reason he’s below Hitler is because he’s younger than him, so he’s not had as much chance to really act like a wanker yet. The sooner Raj gets a bit of confidence and kicks his fucking ass is the day Sheldon and the gang live happily ever after.
Aliens - Dangerous freaks, these. All I’ll say is, imagine you had the hyper-advanced knowledge required for long-distance space travel, and you encounter civilisation in another solar system, if your first thought is “Oh, I’d like to probe these guys up the arse,” then you need to sit down in your rocket and have a long, hard think about what your motives are.
Jack the Ripper - If the first word that’s associated with you is ‘ripper’, then you need to get a fucking grip(per).
Skeletons - Who fucking thought “Oh I know, let’s remove all our skin and look dead spooky in a dungeon”? Cunts.
Transformers - Talking specifically about the baddies here (can’t remember their collective name but they usually transform into menacing things like tanks, and Harrier Jump Jets) - these fuckers are fast becoming a pain in my arse. The good guys (again, name escapes me but these ones are generally transforming into more socially-acceptable things like a 2012 Ford Focus, or just a less naughty-looking Harrier Jump Jet) are basically fine by me, but the aggressive, deceptive ones are getting right on my bloody nerves. This is a formal warning to malicious transformers: if you come near me and try and fire a bazooka at me or something, I’ll kick your fucking arse.
Zombies - Again, whose bright idea was this? No, genuinely, I wanna know! Just how exactly is the existence of zombies supposed to make life better for us? Hmm? Speak up, lad! Exactly. You don’t know. You didn’t think before you created ‘em, you just acted like the bone-headed apeth that you are. Clueless.
Zombie warlords - Sort of ties into the last one, but even more shit because they’ve got swords and poleaxes and stuff. Think regular ‘zombie’ but more dangerous. What’s the fucking point? Shit. Get rid of ‘em.
Cat burglars - Makes you think they’re a cute cat who pinches stuff, when really they’re some kleptomaniac French tosser nicking jewels and heirlooms and shit. Just leave it where it is, mate! It’s not yours! How would you like it if I crept into your gaff, abseiled down from the ceiling, skulked about for a bit, and then stole your Nintendo Wii? Exactly. Bloody irate.
Voldemort - Baldy bastard who thinks it’s normal to hang around a school trying to fight one of the kids. WEIRDO! Worse still, the reason he’s trying to spark this lad is that he actually killed his ‘rents when he was but a youth! Is he trying to kill the whole family or something? Collecting dead Potters like he’s filling a Panini sticker album with raven-haired cadavers? SICK WEIRDO!
Covid - Twat virus. Was supposed to see Muse at Wembley Arena with five of my closest and soundest geezers, when this freaking germ starts infecting everything. SICK WEIRDO!
Judas Iscariot - If you’re going to dob one of your mates in to the ancient FBI just for a purse full of silver, at least make sure it’s not ACTUAL JESUS from the Bible. Snake. Probably the worst snake in all the Bible, in my opinion and that includes new and old testaments.
Giant tarantulas guarding a dungeon which has a magic potion in it - Is there anything more annoying than a ruddy great big arachnid spraying minging goo all over you and tethering you to the ceiling in a big cobweb? Maybe Simon Cowell. But to be fair to him, he’s usually on a big yacht wearing shit jeans and more or less keeps to himself.
Simon Cowell - No, actually, he’s pissed me right off. Just seen his jeans on Google Images and they’re so fucking shite. If you’re that rich, why are your denims so tragic?
Elaine the Pain off of Tracey Beaker - If the first word that’s associated with you is ‘pain’ then you need to think again!
Serial killers/nonces/goblins - Need I go into detail? Wrong’uns of the highest order.
Martin Gonch - Not even a real person, this. Just made him up, but he sounds like a twat, doesn’t he?
Episodes of The One Show where one of the hosts isn’t there, and they’ve got a stand-in who you don’t really like - Not really a nutter, this one, but just watching it and some youth called Jermaine Jenas is doing it with Alex Jones. And I don’t mean doing it in a sordid way, you dirty get! I mean presenting (doing) the fucking One Show (it, not sex!). Footballers are a bit beneath her, if I’m brutally honest (not literally beneath her, you dirty get!). The day a One Show presenter has relations with a former footballer playing primarily in London is the day that hell freezes over!
King Kong - Massive crap chimp who probably stinks of shite. Glad when they shot him off that building, so he had to give back that woman what he nicked.
Inspector Gadget - Gimp.
Flying ants - Spot the odd one out: Christmas Day, birthday, Groundhog Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Flying Ant Day. One of those things is a day that absolutely nobody wants, and I’ll give you a clue, it’s not Christmas! Walking ants are basically decent, but their aeronautical brethren are heinous and disgusting.
Henry the Eighth - If the first word that’s associated with you is ‘eighth’ then you need to ‘fuck oth’.
And there we have it.
Sir Keir Rodney Starmer’s definitive listing of all the biggest twonks, berks, wazzocks, and spods. If I become Prime Minister, I’ll execute one of these on my first day. Who will it be? Likely Howard Wolowitz.
Cheers,
Sir K x
