Mangione: I Actually Wanted to Shoot a CeX
Appearing in court for his state trial in New York City this week, 26 year old Luigi Mangione declared “I actually wanted to shoot a CeX” in his opening statements.
Charged with the murder of multi-millionaire Brian Thompson, CEO of UnitedHealthcare, Mangione has been heralded as an icon in left wing circles for taking a radical and aggressive stance against faceless capitalism.
The internet has brought CEOs across the globe into question for their role in society’s collapse. Mangione’s words may undo the “folk hero” reputation that he’s made for himself.
He went on to explain “I was all confused. I searched ‘CeX’ but Google Maps hit me with a ‘Did you mean’ and before I knew it, I’d killed the head of a multinational health insurance conglomerate.”
Why shoot a CeX?
During cross-examination, lead prosecutor for New York State Attorney's Office, Mangus Chrimp, sought further explanation on Mangione’s comments.
“Basically, like a year ago, I tried to trade in around a hundred copies of FIFAs 12 to 22 for the Xbox 360 and Xbox One. The tight arsed pricks weren’t willing to even give me a tenner for them.”
The Maryland-born data engineer spoke at length on his resentment of the high street pre-owned games and entertainment retailer. His defence attorneys were visibly perplexed.
“Ever since that day, I’ve sworn my revenge and plotted on how I can shoot a CeX shop and get away with it.”
Mangione appeared in a luxuriant Gucci suit, reportedly funded by the wages of the 1700 other inmates at the Metropolitan Detention Centre in Brooklyn.
Is he still cool for it?
“It’s definitely not as cool” - Ryan Spink, 32 year old guy in a Ché Guevara shirt
The American people have been aghast with Mangione’s testimony. The younger, liberal left-leaning demographic that once supported him has started to show hesitations. One of them told us “It’s definitely not as cool, but it’s still fairly punk.”
“There’s probably some CEO at this CeX place and he’s probably as bad as the faceless American for-profit health insurance chiefs.”
While surveys suggest as few as 4% of Americans know what CeX is, the British tech swap-shop was on the minds of everyone who followed Mangione’s trial. Outside the court, bootleggers had already begun to sell shirts with slogans such as ‘CeX Assault’ and ‘CeXtortion!’
What now?
Legal representatives on both sides of the trial have requested an immediate ten day break in proceedings in order to allow cases to be built in these new circumstances.
Mangione is currently charged with one count of using a firearm to commit murder, one count of interstate stalking resulting in death, one count of stalking through use of interstate facilities resulting in death and one count of discharging a firearm that was equipped with a silencer in furtherance of a crime of violence.
If presiding judge Gregory Carro has experience with being ripped off on the trade-in price for an old 3DS and some DVDs, the charges may be heavily reduced.
