Middle Eastern Jesus Refuses Prince Philip Entry to Heaven
Early reports from the Christian afterlife indicate an altercation between the son of God and the recently deceased Prince Philip, the son of a man who was somehow Prince of Greece and Denmark at the same time. Though there has been no confirmation, it is currently alleged that The Redeemer himself indicated that Philip’s spirit was not welcome in the eternal kingdom of Heaven and he had best “Try one of the other paradises.”
Though his father hailed from a mostly unknown domain that existed before the creation of our universe, Jesus identifies as a middle eastern man, having spent all of his first life in and around Judea (modern day Israel). Famously, Mr Christ died for the sins of all people on earth, but quotes coming in from The City of God suggest “There’s just some sins that death can’t absolve.”
The Duke of Edinburgh, who died of old on April 9th 2021 is reported to have caused a large scene at The Pearly Gates, a famous Heaven landmark. As well as a storied career of military service and royal bits and bobs, Philip collated a proud series of transparently racist remarks and abhorrent opinions in his 74 years as The Queen’s piece. Famously, he made a boob of himself in front of practically every indigenous culture he could find under the British commonwealth. In 2000, he scored a bigot’s personal best when telling a group of deaf school children "Deaf? If you're near there, no wonder you are deaf," as they stood near a Caribbean Steel Drum band. The Duke of Edinburgh leaves behind a wealth of taxpayer cash and a number of lizards.
Whether Jesus has taken some personal umbrage as a Judean with these racial and cultural insensitivities is uncertain, but it certainly does raise important questions regarding the power of prayer before death. As the son of a loving, forgiving God, can we assume that Jesus is breaching company policy by refusing service to a bonafide Christian who would potentially say “Yeah, sure.” when asked if he repents for his past sins.
Finally, reports are circulating that Philip Mountbatten was turned away due to his wearing Adidas Gazelles and presenting a fake driving license. One source has quoted St Pete saying “You know the deal, mack. If I let you in with your trainers, I’ve got to let DMX and the dad off Friday Night Dinner do the same.”
(Concept by Josh Walford)
