Musk: If We Don’t Destroy Earth, We’ll Never Reach Mars
Washington D.C, Today
Speaking from the Oval Office in a snap press conference this morning, weird billionaire and Roman history enthusiast Elon Musk has sought to address concerns that he is dismantling all climate regulations in the US.
Clad in some kind of pall-bearer’s coat while wearing three of his kids as a necklace, Musk attempted to give credence to the actions of his newly formed government department.
“The Committee for Unifying New Technologies has one mission - to broaden the horizons of the human race and to move us into new, unimaginably dystopian futures.” He told the swarm of White House approved reporters. “At the forefront of those horizons is getting human colonies onto other planets.”
The South African-born memelord-come-megalomaniac spoke at length regarding the many dreadful ways he pictured pioneers of humanity dying in space in the name of “progressing human development into the final frontier.”
“Even space itself will kill people, it will be remarkable. I put a rabbit into a vacuum compressed chamber yesterday and I don’t even need to tell you how much more minging it would turn out if we did it with a person. I cannot wait.”
“Sadly, climate change regulations will stop us from reaching this goal. There’s too much red tape when it comes to funneling absurd amounts of cash into space projects. I guarantee you this - If we don’t destroy Earth, we’ll never reach Mars.”
Before the Proxy-President was able to expand on the point, the conference was called to a close as his youngest child, Ctrl+Alt+Del, disconnected himself from the human necklace and cacked all over the Resolute Desk and President Dognald Trumo.
Musk’s CUNT Department has caused ripples across the American political playing field since they appeared on the scene. Most recently, they have failed to explain leaked plans for a Neuralink testing facility which is reportedly intended to harness the brains of detained immigrants to remotely control driverless Teslas.
“I’m too tired to think of an excuse for that one so just do me a favour and come up with your own reasons why it turns out it’s actually fine.” Musk tweeted on his soapboX account. Middle aged men the world over appear to be following the command and iterating the many ways in which Musk’s mind slavery plant will, in fact, better human civilization.
“He’s giving these people jobs at the end of the day.” One individual tweeted in response.
